May 11, 2008
I should have locked you
away from menacing hands,
to always keep you.
………….
Springy padded seat,
and lovely shining fenders.
Farewell granny bike.
May 5, 2008
And now for the ever-popular List of Things That Make Me Feel Crappy At Work
[Dear Reader: if you are having a good day, don't let this bring you down. Go read the post about demons instead, or scroll past this to the sweet Samsquanch photo below.]
And now for the more uplifting List of Things That Make Me Feel Awesome At Work
incompetence is
relative, but manifests
in empty stomachs
May 4, 2008
This just in from the ever-conservative desk of Pope Benedict XVI: “Bring it on, demons!”
quartermass was busy watching CBC News Sunday this morning (while I was fast asleep), and gleefully informed me that Carole MacNeil interviewed one of the top Papal exorcists, who informed her that demonic possessions are on the rise and the Vatican is wanting every Roman Catholic diocese to have a trained exorcist on staff. Said Papal authority even performed the right of exorcism on Ms. MacNeil, much to her journalistic delight.
Laughable, right? Contemporary ghost stories, obviously.
Well, yes, except for the fact that demonic possession freaks the bejesus out of me. Seriously. The Exorcist is my all-time most scarring movie-watching experience, and like a moth to the flame, I continue to watch it over and over. Deep, garring voices emerging from little girl? Ancient Aramaic mixed in with backwards talking and random screams? Ill-fated priests thrown to their deaths from 3rd-storey windows? Head-spinning and projectile pea-soup vomiting? A masterful score ridden with suspense? Backwards crab-walk down the stairs? gah. Horrifying.
Oh Jesus. I couldn’t even convince myself to watch that trailer for longer than 3 seconds, and trying to find images to link in the above laundry list of scary things is making my palms sweat. I apologize deeply, gentle reader, and hope that you
1) weren’t raised by a devout Catholic (I swear that’s where it all begins)
2) chalk demonic possession up to the improper diagnosis of any number of severe mental disorders
3) find my deep-seeded, neurotic fears hilarious (if this is true, I choose to believe you are already possessed by Beelzebub and your soul is forever lost)
Off to wrap myself tightly in some blankets, turn off the lights and clutch my rosary.
Dear little Reagan,
stay away from the Ouija;
keep your head on straight.
April 12, 2008
April 11, 2008
sharp pain in the chest
and the clammy hands of death
hurty, cold - ow ow
April 6, 2008
Things are looking up.
And for some unknown reason, I am going to celebrate this by live blogging the new MADONNA MUSIC VIDEO!
00:03 - Timbaland and a giant countdown clock? Too easy.
00:18 - Geometric cloud of death. I am reminded of ‘HyperCube‘ - most definitely not a positive association.
00:37 - Madonna + Pimp Mobile x (so far no grandmas or Ali. G) = meh.
00:47 - Geometric death cloud interrupts a quiet family dinner. The actors are paid well to ignore Madge’s dom costume.
00:53 - Singing starts. Improvement on Timbaland? Marginally.
00:57 - Geometric death cloud bisects stuff! Cool bathtub shot! Interest is piqued.
01:01 - My BF, JT. This video just went from being 1.5 stars to 3 at least.
01:08 - Ew! Death cloud starts slicing through some makey-outey. Ick. Very Human Body Exhibition-esque.
01:15 - Nasal passages and cavernous mouths galore. Double ick.
01:26 - Uh, hair colour, skin and corset are all one tone. A writhing, peachy smudge. Problematic, methinks.
01:34 - Parking lot under siege from black murder cubes.
01:41 - JT likes Lovers in the Backseat, and apparently is fond of the cougars. Crap.
01:52 - JT’s hook is undeniable. Double crap.
02:05 - Killer blob enters supermarket. Consumes metric tonne of hair styling products.
02:21 - Treadmill prowling: sexy or scary?
02:30 - Madge is channeling Carol Burnett as Miss Hannigan here, surely.
02:32 - No.
02:58 - C’mon……. NO.
03:45 - Dance-fighting to save the world from cloud of pestilent cubes. I’m pretty sure that is a tag-line being shopped around for a movie deal already.
03:59 - Justin’s been hit! MEDIC!
04:04 - Final impressions while watching Madge’s face go under the slicer: catchy song, T-Lake is still hot to trot, Madonna is a bit creep-city. 3/5 stars.
Run from the death cloud
as it shifts and grows and kills;
it will eat your face.
March 27, 2008
The dust has (mostly) settled with regard to my work situation, so I back to my regular, cool-as-a-cucumber (!) self.
With one exception.
Last weekend I attended the small get-together of some friends, and was the first to arrive along with qmass. In talking with the host couple, it came up that a certain individual who works at the same institution as I would be attending. I immediately froze. This person is one of my (rather few) nemesis(es? nemesi?), and has single-handedly ruined various work days goneby with a harping, malicious, all-knowing and frosty attitude. Since our initial horrorshow encounters, I have done my all to avoid said individual, even when doing so compromises my work ethic and/or causes me to duck into an elevator already crammed with 19 other people. Needless to say, the pit of my stomach became a block of ice at the knowledge that I would be sharing a room and plate of fried cheese sticks with this mortal enemy. I couldn’t think of anything else but ways to leave, or crevices to hide in, or objects to wield in an effort to fend off her frosted tipped and gel nailed advances.
The doorbell rang, other guests arrived, and my foe was nowhere to be seen. And yet, I overheard other revelers calling a pleasant-looking partygoer by the name of my occupational adversary.
It quickly became clear: all this time, I’ve been labeling my rival with the wrong name, and vilifying an innocent bystander. It is a good thing that I’ve kept rather mum on the topic until now, since I felt horribly for slandering this person that gladly gave me my portion of mozza sticks and dip. I felt sheepish, but relieved that my vendetta could live another day in darkness, and not by thrust into the spotlight over drinks and RockBand.
As I get older
I thought I’d get smarter too.
March 20, 2008
The Associated Press is reporting that CNN’s Anderson Cooper recently had a cancerous mole removed from below his left eye, which would explain the red mark visible on his face over the past week. It WOULD, that is, if you BUY that story. I have a few other ideas. A list of possible (and I would argue, probable) causes of this facial sore:
March 17, 2008
This video sums up the past week at my job, which consisted of sifting through many many pieces of student artwork, and answering Mark Campbell’s ever-pressing questions on the “meaning” of art.
the eye beholds these
works of genius or weakness
in truth, art is long
March 16, 2008
missjaneleo