This just in from the ever-conservative desk of Pope Benedict XVI: “Bring it on, demons!”

quartermass was busy watching CBC News Sunday this morning (while I was fast asleep), and gleefully informed me that Carole MacNeil interviewed one of the top Papal exorcists, who informed her that demonic possessions are on the rise and the Vatican is wanting every Roman Catholic diocese to have a trained exorcist on staff. Said Papal authority even performed the right of exorcism on Ms. MacNeil, much to her journalistic delight.

Laughable, right? Contemporary ghost stories, obviously.

Well, yes, except for the fact that demonic possession freaks the bejesus out of me. Seriously. The Exorcist is my all-time most scarring movie-watching experience, and like a moth to the flame, I continue to watch it over and over. Deep, garring voices emerging from little girl? Ancient Aramaic mixed in with backwards talking and random screams? Ill-fated priests thrown to their deaths from 3rd-storey windows? Head-spinning and projectile pea-soup vomiting? A masterful score ridden with suspense? Backwards crab-walk down the stairs? gah. Horrifying.

Oh Jesus. I couldn’t even convince myself to watch that trailer for longer than 3 seconds, and trying to find images to link in the above laundry list of scary things is making my palms sweat. I apologize deeply, gentle reader, and hope that you

1) weren’t raised by a devout Catholic (I swear that’s where it all begins)

2) chalk demonic possession up to the improper diagnosis of any number of severe mental disorders

3) find my deep-seeded, neurotic fears hilarious (if this is true, I choose to believe you are already possessed by Beelzebub and your soul is forever lost)

Off to wrap myself tightly in some blankets, turn off the lights and clutch my rosary.

Dear little Reagan,

stay away from the Ouija;

keep your head on straight.